Andrews Seminarians’ #1 Pickup Line: God wants us to be together

BERRIEN SPRING, Mich. — According to an anonymous survey done of single seminarians at Andrews University, their favorite pick-up line by far is “God wants us to be together.” Nine out of Read more […]

Adventist Church asks Trump to pardon all turkeys this Thanksgiving

WASHINGTON, D.C. — While Donald Trump pardoned his first turkey as president of the United States, he received a request from the Adventist Church that he extend the pardon to all turkeys this Read more […]

Zach Galifianakis to interview Adventist leaders for “Is This Thing On?” Q&A

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Comedic Actor Zach Galifianakis has volunteered to interview leaders of the North American Division of the Adventist Church for the Q&A series “Is this thing on?” The Read more […]

Georgia Dome Implodes From Guilt Over Hosting Ted Wilson’s 2010 Election

ATLANTA, Ga. — Seven years after hosting the 2010 General Conference Session in which current GC President Ted Wilson was elected, the Georgia Dome has imploded with guilt over its tragic facilitation Read more […]

PEOPLE Magazine names Adventist 100-year-old bodybuilder ‘sexiest man alive’

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — PEOPLE magazine has crowned a 100-year-old Adventist bodybuilder from Loma Linda the “sexiest man alive.” The magazine said that instead of choosing a celebrity, they Read more […]

Security experts warn Adventists to stop using 1844 for their PIN numbers

SECURITY UPDATE SILVER SPRING, Md. — Security experts at Adventist Risk Management have warned Adventists using 1844 as their PIN number that they are exposing themselves to huge risks. “If Read more […]

Trump converts to NEWSTART, becomes “YUGE fan of water”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A recent conversion to Adventist NEWSTART principles led to President Donald Trump’s now-infamous water sipping during a recent speech. Trump had relentlessly mocked Republican Read more […]

‘The Lion King’ approved as Sabbath movie “because it has animals”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Disney’s The Lion King has been approved by the Adventist Church as an approved “Sabbath movie.” This means that Adventists will be free to watch the animated classic Read more […]