Male Ordination Pathfinder honor launched
SILVER SPRING, Md. — A brand new Pathfinder honor titled Male Ordination was launched recently as part of a GC effort to “make rigged votes stick.” Pathfinders who wish to earn the new honor Read more […]
Adventist honeymooners confused about cleaving
Bahamas — Faithful to Biblical guidance to leave their teary-eyed parents the minute their wedding cake was cut, Adventist honeymooners Cass and Sado Porfin made a beeline for their Bahamian Read more […]
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Pacific Press publishes dictionary of vegetarian curse words
NAMPA, Idaho — “Rats,” “shucks,” “poop,” “fiddlesticks, “phooey,” and “son of a Baptist preacher” are just a sampling of the 144,000 church potluck-friendly expletives published in a comprehensive Read more […]
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Walking Dead writers confess to lifting plot twists from End Times-themed Sabbath School Quarterly
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Writers for hit post-apocalyptic television series The Walking Dead have confessed to devouring this quarter’s Adventist Sabbath School Lesson on the End Times in search Read more […]
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GC challenges One Project leaders to prove Adventism by reciting Pathfinder Pledge & Law from memory
SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference administrators have issued a strongly-worded statement challenging One Project leaders to prove their Adventist identities by flawlessly reciting the Read more […]
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Facebook terms of service inspire fresh draft of GC compliance document
SILVER SPRING, Md. — Recent congressional obsession with Facebook’s extremely lengthy and confusing terms of service has reportedly inspired General Conference officials to produce a fresh draft Read more […]
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Wilson upgrades glasses to better see the light
SILVER SPRING, MD — Spring Meeting attendees have joined the rest of the Adventist World in congratulating General Conference President Ted Wilson on his surprisingly fashionable new glasses. Wilson Read more […]
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GC votes to exclude Little Debbie’s Nutty Bars from its Investment Portfolio
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference Investment Board has voted to direct the GC Investment Management Committee “that in keeping with our longstanding position on at least managing Read more […]
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Adventists urged to avoid unequally yoked omelets
ADVENTIST WORLD — Leaders of the Adventist Church are warning members of the perils of eating unequally yoked omelets. “Unequally yoked omelets may look fluffy and delicious at first glance Read more […]
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Adventist sniffer dogs detect Illuminati
ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventist-trained sniffer dogs trained to detect members of the Illuminati are trotting down the hallways of denominational institutions in hot pursuit of bad guys. The Read more […]
