Tesla Update Prevents Adventists from Driving To Restaurants On Sabbath

PALO ALTO, Calif. — In its latest software update, Tesla has included an “Adventist” feature that cross references Adventist membership records with customer lists. Wherever there is a match, Read more […]

BREAKING: Trump Directed Southern’s Campus Safety To Spy On Biden

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Recently-surfaced Oval Office call transcripts that were declassified this morning show that President Donald Trump directed Campus Safety officers at Southern Adventist Read more […]

Sanders Unveils Plan To Double Tithe On Wealthiest Adventists

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has unveiled plans to double tithing rates on Adventists that “can afford to wear Rolex watches as non-jewelry on Sabbath Read more […]

Thunberg To GC: Stop Killing Trees To Print Quarterlies. App Is Way Better.

NEW YORK, N.Y. — Climate activist Greta Thunberg used a portion of her United Nations address this week to implore the General Conference to stop killing trees by printing Sabbath School quarterlies. The Read more […]

ABC Stores Rattled As Walmart Opens Hot New EGW / Veggie Cheese Aisles

ADVENTIST WORLD – The Adventist Book Center chain is officially under siege after an announcement from Walmart that the retail giant is not just going to stand by and let someone else cash in Read more […]

Nicki Minaj Announces Retirement, Donation Of Entire Wardrobe To Adventist Community Services

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. — Rapper Nicki Minaj followed the shocking announcement of her retirement with another tweet saying that she was donating her entire stage wardrobe to Adventist Community Read more […]

AV Guy Lacks Spiritual Gift Of Song Service Slide Advancement

Tone Deaf, Mich. — Joyful Noise Adventist Church members are at a loss as to what to do with their AV guy, Han Sauver, who has yet to get through a single service without forgetting to advance Read more […]