GC Crafts Abortion Statement Because Members Can’t Think For Themselves

SILVER SPRING, Md. — A new draft document expressing the Adventist position on abortion is being prepared for Annual Council this year because Adventist members are unable to think, pray Read more […]

Adventist Dictionary Defines Labor Day As “Unsabbathy Sabbath”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The official Adventist dictionary that makes sense of everything from 1844 to “the daily” defines Labor Day for the first time in its latest edition. The volume defines Read more […]

Tower of Babel Completed Thanks To Stirring Rendition of “Love in Any Language”

TODAY in Ancient Mesopotamia — Builders that had been slaving away at the tower of Babel hit what could generously be described as a “communication snag” earlier in the morning when they discovered Read more […]

Parents Beg Still-At-Home Son To Go Forth And Multiply

BRACKNELL, Berks. — The Browns have prayed for years for their son Mark to get a life and get out of their house. But three years after getting an English Literature degree, the call center Read more […]

GC Issues Rare Male Modesty Guidelines For Lederhosen-Loving Germans

SILVER SPRING, Md. — German Adventist men have received personalized letters from the General Conference imploring them to wear lederhosen that, at the very least, reach their knees. The Read more […]

Prodigal Son’s Brother Suddenly Vegan For Return Feast

ANCIENT JUDEA — A catering crisis blew up minutes after the prodigal son returned to his father. Although most of the household and its well-compensated staff were delighted at the announcement Read more […]

Camporee Pin-Trading Mania Prompts New Jewelry Guidelines

OSHKOSH, Wis. — The collecting and trading of countless pins at the International Pathfinder Camporee in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, has prompted an emergency clarification of the Adventist stance on Read more […]

Smart Fridge Reports Adventists That Store Banned Products

ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventists around the world have been directed to buy Frigid a new smart fridge that is designed to keep members accountable health-wise. Frigid reports the presence of Read more […]