Adventist Church exempts sleepy Ben Carson from caffeine ban

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an absolute first for the Adventist Church, world leaders have come to a majority decision to allow a caffeine ban exemption for the denomination’s most fatigued member: Read more […]

Batchelor to defend Best Adventist Back Handspring title at Union College Acrofest

LINCOLN, Neb. — Unquestionably one of the fittest Seventh-day Adventist evangelists, Doug Batchelor will travel this week to Union College in Lincoln, Neb. to compete in of one the denomination’s Read more […]

GC Stewardship Department employee wins Maryland Lottery

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The winner of the Maryland’s most recent Mega Millions Lottery jackpot has released a statement saying that he is “at once the luckiest and the unluckiest man in Maryland.” With Read more […]

Fritos pays tithe to Seventh-day Adventist Church as thanks for haystacks business

PLANO, Tex. — Frito-Lay announced this morning that it had commenced paying a ten percent tithe to the Seventh-day Adventist Church on net revenue from sales of its popular Fritos corn chips. The Read more […]

Lamar Odom to head La Sierra athletics after recovery

LOS ANGELES, Calif. — A rapidly recovering Lamar Odom has announced a new career move from his suite at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. The retired pro-basketball player has signed a contract to Read more […]

Doug Batchelor to moderate Amazing Facts GOP debate

ROSEVILLE, Calif. — Adventist evangelist, Doug Batchelor has announced that Amazing Facts, his television ministry, will be hosting an upcoming Republican debate. The announcement came after Read more […]

Female employee ejected from GC Halloween party for looking “too ordained”

BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. — The annual world mission-themed Harvest Festival (Halloween) Costume Party at the General Conference headquarters took an unexpected turn today as a female Read more […]

PUC to host mass burning of Ryan Bell-era yearbooks

ANGWIN, Calif. — Administrators at Pacific Union College have invited anyone in possession of PUC yearbooks from the 1989/1990 and 1990/1991 school years, to throw them on a Halloween bonfire Read more […]

Southern to host Beasts of Revelation-themed Halloween Party

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Citing a need to sanitize a downright pagan holiday, Southern Adventist University administrators have announced a Beasts of Revelation-themed Halloween Party. Officially Read more […]