North American Division Renamed Breadbasket
SILVER SPRING, Md. — As part of a pro-unity re-branding exercise for the regions of the Adventist Church worldwide, the antiquated “divisions” term will be scrapped. “It doesn’t do much for Read more […]
Decision To Leave Burning Adventist Building Requires Quorum
ADVENTIST WORLD — An update to GC Working Policy States addresses decisions about exiting burning Adventist structures. The update requires a quorum of the committee with highest local authority Read more […]
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Netflix: Next Season Of The Crown To Feature GC Elections
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Netflix has made the decision to give the British Royal Family a break for the next season of hit series The Crown. The show will instead focus on the upcoming General Conference Read more […]
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Off-Center Die Dot Infuriates Legalist
Berrien Springs, Mich. — Local legalist Judgy Jude hasn’t had a full night’s sleep or a Happy Sabbath since he saw this off-center dot die at his family’s New Year’s Eve party. The offensive Read more […]
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Bad Boys Spinoff To Feature Will Smith As Badventist
BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Fresh off the release of Bad Boys For Life, Hollywood legend Will Smith has announced a Bad Boys franchise spinoff titled “Badventist.” The film will feature Smith Read more […]
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Adventist Scientists Forced To Disclose Religious Affiliation Before Recommending Stripples
LOMA LINDA, Calif. — The American Dietary Association claims that Adventist scientists are allowing their religious bias to color their nutritional recommendations. The ADA is particularly Read more […]
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Senate To Break For Periodic Annual Council-Style Exercise During Impeachment Trial
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the impeachment trial gets under way in the Senate, lawmakers have opted to implement a very Adventist protocol to break up longer stretches of the proceedings. Whenever Read more […]
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Revealed: Daniel And Three Friends Rejected Nebuchadnezzar’s Food To Feast On Haystacks
ANCIENT BABYLON — Earlier today, the Biblical Research Institute unveiled findings regarding the special diet of Daniel and his three friends after they asked to be excused from eating Nebuchadnezzar’s Read more […]
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Ethiopian Eunuch’s Rebaptism Required After Church Finds Out He Hadn’t Studied 28 Fundamentals
MIDDLE EAST — Fresh off a deeply meaningful baptism performed by Philip the Evangelist, the Ethiopian eunuch received news today that he would need to be rebaptized as he had not done a thorough Read more […]
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Name Of Orienteering Pathfinder Honor Changed To “Use GPS”
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Orienteering Pathfinder honor that used to involve a bunch of complicated wilderness compass and map reading, has now been updated. The new honor is called “Use Read more […]
