Adventist evangelist: Nobody is going anywhere until one more responds to altar call

BREAKING NEWS Marietta, Ga. — Today’s evangelistic campaign crowd in downtown Marietta, Ga. has been notified that everyone will be staying put until at least one more brave soul comes up Read more […]

General Conference suspends North American Division from decision making for supporting women

SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference leaders of the Seventh-day Adventist Church have chosen to sanction the North American Division of the church for what GC leadership calls “disruptive Read more […]

La Sierra chosen as filming location for “Friends” reunion

NEW YORK, N.Y. — Fans of the long-running NBC sitcom Friends were delighted at NBC’s announcement this week that a rumored reunion episode would finally materialize next month. In order to get Read more […]

Andrews University gives thanks after tornado destroys eyesore gym

  BREAKING NEWS BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — A crowd of several thousand Andrews University students, staff, faculty and alumni gathered around what used to be the school’s Johnson Gymnasium Read more […]

Adventist Church to buy struggling Chipotle chain, rename it Haystacks “R” Us

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In the first high-stakes acquisition of its kind, the Seventh-day Adventist Church has announced plans to buy Chipotle Mexican Grill, Inc. The struggling chain of Mexican-style Read more […]

Grumpy church greeter barks “Happy Sabbath” at innocent passersby

GLENDALE, Ariz.. — Foot traffic outside Glendale City Church was disrupted this morning as passersby were accosted with angry barks of “Happy Sabbath” coming from a church greeter. Ā Eyewitnesses Read more […]

Obama to teach constitutional law at Oakwood in 2017

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Barack Obama brought years of speculation to an end this morning by announcing what he plans to do after his presidency. As of mid-January next year, Obama will Read more […]

Adventist Church offers tithing discount if you pay for 2019 upfront

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Seventh-day Adventists have an opportunity to save significantly on their tithing expenses in 2019. The General Conference is giving every baptized member until the end Read more […]

Walla Walla Campus Safety furious after failing pepper spray background checks

COLLEGE PLACE, Wash. — Walla Walla University’s Campus Safety officers have all failed newly-tightened federal background checks for pepper spray canister owners. The department was forced to Read more […]