Revealed: Daniel And Three Friends Rejected Nebuchadnezzar’s Food To Feast On Haystacks

ANCIENT BABYLON — Earlier today, the Biblical Research Institute unveiled findings regarding the special diet of Daniel and his three friends after they asked to be excused from eating Nebuchadnezzar’s Read more […]

Ethiopian Eunuch’s Rebaptism Required After Church Finds Out He Hadn’t Studied 28 Fundamentals

MIDDLE EAST — Fresh off a deeply meaningful baptism performed by Philip the Evangelist, the Ethiopian eunuch received news today that he would need to be rebaptized as he had not done a thorough Read more […]

Name Of Orienteering Pathfinder Honor Changed To “Use GPS”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Orienteering Pathfinder honor that used to involve a bunch of complicated wilderness compass and map reading, has now been updated. The new honor is called “Use Read more […]

Weimar And La Sierra Start Student Exchange Program

CALIFORNIA — Weimar Institute and La Sierra University have started a student exchange program aimed at “introducing Adventist young people to the polar extremes of denominational education.” Exchange Read more […]

Canadian PM Justin Trudeau Admits Ted Wilson Talked Him Into “Pioneer” Beard

PARLIAMENT HILL, Ottawa — The world no longer needs to wonder why Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has started growing a beard. The idea for the facial hair came from General Conference Read more […]

“Cats” So Bad GC Tried To Cancel It

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference announced today that it did its “honest part” to keep box office bomb Cats from being shown in theaters. A delegation from the Adventist headquarters’ Read more […]

Harry And Meghan Sign Up For Adventist Volunteer Services

WINDSOR, Berks. — The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have put their royal duties on hold to spend a year with Adventist Volunteer Services. Prince Harry and Meghan plan to split their time between Read more […]

Inclusivity Win: GC Exec Ordains Woman As Secretary

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an absolute first for the General Conference, a woman has been ordained in the building. Vice President For Anachronisms, Gammal Gubbe, performed the ordination in Read more […]

Loma Linda Boot Camp Makes You Run Like It’s The Time Of Trouble

  LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Inland Empire residents looking to get in shape for the new year need look no further than a Loma Linda University boot camp that forces participants to run like Read more […]

Adventists Resolve To Make It To Church On Time At Some Point In 2020

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Friends and relatives of the Hopplös family have been roped into holding them accountable to their New Year’s resolution of making it to time on church once in 2020. Read more […]