Turkeys Urge Americans Not To Travel For Thanksgiving

  UNITED STATES —— Turkeys across the United States have warned Americans of the extreme dangers of traveling for Thanksgiving this year. “Don’t risk your health or that of your family Read more […]

Adventist Churches Not Re-Opening Until Everyone Gets Haircut

Finally. ADVENTIST WORLD — Conference and union leaders across the Adventist world have warned their churches will stay shut until their members get haircuts. “Lack of access to hair salons Read more […]

Trump Eating Nothing But Haystacks To Boost Coronavirus Resistance

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Reporters at today’s White House press briefing were notified that President Donald Trump has taken to exclusively eating haystacks to boost his resistance to COVID-19 infection. In Read more […]

Adventist Drive-In Theater Churches Feature Priority Angel Parking

https://commons.m.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Autokino_Hueckelhoven.jpg#mw-jump-to-licenseImage Credit: ErriTollsten ADVENTIST WORLD — As more and more Adventist congregations have turned to drive-in Read more […]

Shopping In Masks Leads To Increased Wine Sales in Adventist Hotspots

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Adventists are reportedly thrilled at being able to buy wine locally, by taking advantage of the acceptability of surgical masks while shopping. A Loma Linda liquor Read more […]

Adventists Split On Whether You Should Dress Up For Online Church

Front row material. ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventists are finding it impossible to agree on whether or not we should all be dressing up for streaming church. According to a survey by the Center for Read more […]

Florida Hospital Building Extra Wings To Accommodate Post COVID-19 Baby Boom

ORLANDO, Fla. — Florida Hospital is aggressively building out extra maternity wings for what health professionals are predicting will be a “post-COVID-19 baby boom like no other.” The network’s Read more […]

Ben Carson Begs Adventists To Stop Panic Buying Stripples

Cool it. WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson has a special message for Adventists during the coronavirus crisis. The Adventist member of President Trump’s cabinet asked his Read more […]