Adventist Church removes “ultra-violent” Onward Christian Soldiers from hymn book

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Leaders of the Seventh-day Adventist Church have admitted that, given substantially heightened tensions around religiously-motivated violence, there is no place for the Read more […]

Adventist Church: earrings ok if they double as timepieces

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a dramatic reversal of its traditional anti-jewelry stance, the Seventh-day Adventist Church has released a statement declaring that earrings are acceptable attire for Read more […]

Forbes rates Walla Walla most expensive way to get married in America

  NEW YORK, N.Y. — In Forbes Magazine’s annual review of American wedding costs, a four-year-or-more education at Walla Walla University has been rated as the most expensive way to get Read more […]

Adventist Church exempts sleepy Ben Carson from caffeine ban

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an absolute first for the Adventist Church, world leaders have come to a majority decision to allow a caffeine ban exemption for the denomination’s most fatigued member: Read more […]

Batchelor to defend Best Adventist Back Handspring title at Union College Acrofest

LINCOLN, Neb. — Unquestionably one of the fittest Seventh-day Adventist evangelists, Doug Batchelor will travel this week to Union College in Lincoln, Neb. to compete in of one the denomination’s Read more […]

GC Stewardship Department employee wins Maryland Lottery

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The winner of the Maryland’s most recent Mega Millions Lottery jackpot has released a statement saying that he is “at once the luckiest and the unluckiest man in Maryland.” With Read more […]

Fritos pays tithe to Seventh-day Adventist Church as thanks for haystacks business

PLANO, Tex. — Frito-Lay announced this morning that it had commenced paying a ten percent tithe to the Seventh-day Adventist Church on net revenue from sales of its popular Fritos corn chips. The Read more […]

Lamar Odom to head La Sierra athletics after recovery

LOS ANGELES, Calif. — A rapidly recovering Lamar Odom has announced a new career move from his suite at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. The retired pro-basketball player has signed a contract to Read more […]

Doug Batchelor to moderate Amazing Facts GOP debate

ROSEVILLE, Calif. — Adventist evangelist, Doug Batchelor has announced that Amazing Facts, his television ministry, will be hosting an upcoming Republican debate. The announcement came after Read more […]