Trump Promises To Build Wall Around Adventist Subdivision In Heaven

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Election Day looms, the Trump and Biden campaigns are appealing to voters of all stripes in an attempt to woo them. Both candidates are scraping the barrel when it comes Read more […]

Why Old School Liberals Are Irrelevant to Young Adventists

#NOTsatire Attempting to pitch old school liberal Adventist views to today’s young Adventists is a bit like trying to convince them that dial-up internet is the future of connectivity. It’s Read more […]

7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Be Embarrassed to be Adventist

Here at BarelyAdventist we think it’s healthy to laugh at ourselves. But we love our Church and want it to be the best it can be. So as much as we joke about our idiosyncrasies, we also think Read more […]

New Rule: Adventists That Can’t Play An Instrument Must Seek Rebaptism

Non-musical Adventists will need to re-enter the watery grave thanks to new guidance from the GC department of music compliance. The rationale for the new rule is that members that don’t play Read more […]

Supreme Court To Rule On Whether Loma Linda Is “More Adventist” Than Berrien Springs

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A question that has been burning in the minds of thousands of Adventists for decades may finally be answered this year: Is Loma Linda more Adventist than Berrien Springs?” As Read more […]

Evangelist Renews Annual Promise of Jesus’ Return Before Christmas

Local Preacher Brother Bartholomew Brightside has once again captured headlines with his bold pronouncement that Jesus Christ will be returning to Earth before Christmas. However, this year’s prediction Read more […]

Local Legalist Pretty Sure He Can Stop Sinning by Labor Day

Brother Jebediah “Jeb”ediah Finch, a pillar of the Tightly-Laced Tabernacle Seventh-day Adventist Church, is feeling optimistic. No, not about the price of avocados (although, that is rough). Jeb Read more […]

Larger foliage to cover all Adventist Adam & Eve art

SILVER SPRING, Md. — A 12-month effort to overhaul Adventist Adam and Eve art begins this week due to what church leaders are calling “pervasive foliage insufficiency.” In addition to Read more […]