MyWay Press Introduces 10X King James Version With Less Inclusive Language

Hallelujah, church! Are you tired of that newfangled “everyone is welcome” mumbo jumbo? Does the concept of “loving thy neighbor” feel…incomplete somehow? Well, fret no more, because MyWay Press Read more […]

Adventist Town Gripped by Sunday Law Fears as Local Bakery Announces Sunday Closure

Hopeville, SDA – In news that has sent shivers down the spines of even the most seasoned doomsayers, Hopeville’s beloved “Heavenly Pastries” bakery announced its doors will be closed this coming Read more […]

Should You Micromanage How Your Church Spends Money?

Ever feel like you’re single-handedly funding the church’s new stained-glass window depicting Daniel in the lion’s den (complete with surprisingly realistic fur rendering)? No? Just me? Well, Read more […]

It Is Written: Cat Videos Are the Future of Evangelism

Hold onto your catnip, Adventist internet, because It Is Written is about to get lit… with the power of fluffy paws! In a bold move to revamp their outreach strategy, the ministry has unveiled Read more […]

America’s Most American Religion: Mormons or Adventists?

Howdy, folks! Get ready for a lively religious showdown as we delve into the heart of Americana. In one corner, we have the Seventh-day Adventists; in the other, the Mormons. Which of these faith Read more […]

Adventist Sues Rolex After Missing Friday Sundown Due to Slow Watch

A devout Seventh-Day Adventist has taken legal action against luxury watchmaker Rolex, alleging that their slow timepiece caused them to miss the sacred Friday sundown deadline. The plaintiff, Read more […]

29th Adventist Fundamental: Every Problem is Best Solved by a New Committee

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a move that surprised absolutely no one, the General Conference Executive Committee has officially enshrined a 29th fundamental belief: every problem, no matter how big Read more […]

End Times Sermon Interrupted by Member Asking if Potluck is Still On

Pastor Bartholomew Thompson’s sermon on the impending apocalypse took a dramatic nosedive this Sabbath, thanks to an unexpected inquiry from the congregation. As Thompson weaved a tapestry of biblical Read more […]

From Tofu to Testimony: The Ethics of Turning Cooking Classes into Conversions

Hey there, BarelyAdventist fam! We’ve got a sizzling topic on the menu today: the ethics of turning cooking classes into conversions. We Adventists love to host vegetarian cooking classes aimed Read more […]